how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
