he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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