he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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