my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
