So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I did not marry a roomba.
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