Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
