im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
