How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
