I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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