it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
