But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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