i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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