I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
