Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just gift wrapped bread.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
