I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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