Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Found the puke drawer
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
