Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
