i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
