i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
