She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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