She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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