so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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