I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
