The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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