When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
