The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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