On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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