sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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