I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
