After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
