I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
