When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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