i already hear my dad disowning me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
