Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
