when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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