So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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