you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
