I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
