We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
