Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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