the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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