just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
