I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
