Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
