apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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