He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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