Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
