the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
