what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
