Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
